Celebrity Causes

The one thing that unites the English is complaining about the weather - or, to be more accurate, about the weather forecast.
In England weather forecasters get blamed for almost anything, from the wrong-shaped clouds in the sky, to too many sheep on the roads.
Just occasionally we have reason to be grateful when they get their forecasts wrong, as on a lovely warm sunny afternoon recently when heavy cloud and rain had been foretold.
Instead Nosher and I could sit outside on our old deckchairs sipping his excellent parsnip wine and discussing the issues of the day.
And not a sheep in sight, as it happened.
'I hear that some rich celebrities have started a campaign to get the UN to do something about the refugee crisis in Darfur' I said, after swirling the nectar of the gods around in my glass for a few moments.
Nosher grunted.
'Celebrities. Urgh!' was all he could manage by way of an intelligible reply.
All around us the sights and sounds of spring were vibrant in their intensity - the blue tits were singing in the trees, the plants we'd planted in the ground were growing happily away.
But Nosher did not seem at all pleased by this.
'I had a celebrity carrot once' he said, sounding miserable. 'She was called Carrie.'
'What's so bad about having a celebrity carrot called Carrie?' I asked.
'Because when you're a celebrity your fans think they own you, and you have to be the person they want you to be, and then you get a lot of silly ideas in your head' said Nosher all in one breath.
'Do you speak from personal experience?' I can't imagine the Nosher I know ever being a celebrity, with his tatty Wellington boots, torn trousers held up with bailer twine, frayed shirt-collar, ripped jacket and moth-eaten old cap. And his almost permanent curmudgeonly scowl.
'No! I just know what happened to Carrie the Celebrity Carrot' he replied.
'So what did happen to her?'
'I put her in a stew and ate her.'
After this Nosher appeared to descend into reverie, so I left him to his thoughts for a few moments.
But then I just had to ask the question:
'Why?'
'Carrie the Carrot was the largest and best carrot I ever grew' Nosher explained, already wearied by the tale he was about to tell. 'She won "Best Carrot in Show" at the Sodding Chippery Annual Produce Show thirty years ago. The Lady Mayoress, who was judging, had drunk a little too much of my parsnip wine, and said that my enormous carrot reminded her of her husband's...no, it's too disgusting to say.'
Nosher fell silent, slowly shaking the unwelcome memories out of is head.
Then he continued:
'Anyway, after that there were interviews for Gardener's World and Allotment Weekly, and then one evening, over supper, Carrie the Celebrity Carrot announced she was going to use her new-found fame and popularity to start a campaign to ban furs in the fashion trade. I mean, whoever heard of anything so ridiculous - a carrot wearing furs!'
'Yes, I do remember a celebrity campaign to ban furs from the fashion trade' I said 'but it fizzled out and now fur is becoming popular again with the narcissistic exhibitionists who populate the world of fashion. It's a sad reflection on human nature really - cute little furry baby animals being slaughtered purely to serve the cause of human vanity. But I don't remember a celebrity carrot called Carrie being involved with all that.'
'That's because I wasn't putting up with any of that nonsense, and she went in a stew' Nosher said, sounding relieved to have got to the end of the story. 'And now there's all this nonsense about celebrities campaigning to help refugees in Darfur. In a week's time they'll have been distracted by something more appealing to their fickle celebrity minds and the whole thing will fizzle out, just like the anti-fur campaign did.'
'I think you're being too hard on them' I said 'after all, what's wrong with celebrities trying to make the world a better place? Their motives may be suspect, but does it really matter if some good comes out of it?'
Nosher appeared to think on this for a few moments. Then he said:
'No, I suppose you're right. But I still miss Carrie.'
More from http://www.overthegardenfence.blogspot.com/ soon.
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