The Academy of the Bleeding Obvious

My best mate Nosher and me were greatly amused by a recent BBC Radio 4 News report that regional accents were seen by many people to indicate a lack of intelligence.
One sunny afternoon, with only the lightest of breezes caressing our cheeks, we sat on our old deckchairs outside Nosher's shed enjoying a glass of his excellent parsnip wine, and wondered why there is no an Academy of the Bleeding Obvious in the Dis-United Kingdom.
The Academy of the Bleeding Obvious was invented by the irrepressible Basil Fawlty, but somehow did not appeal to those idiots who rule over us, so they set up City Academies instead, thus continuing the long tradition in this country of teaching children things that are not obvious whilst totally neglecting things that ought to be Bleeding Obvious if only they would open their eyes and their minds.
'I suppose' Nosher started the ball rolling 'that the trendy pseudo-liberal elite who run the BBC will use this as an excuse to put even more people with regional accents on the airwaves, thus rendering their output even less intelligible to the majority of us.'
Now, Nosher and me, well, we've got nothing against regional accents provided they stay in the right place.
'A broad Scottish brogue is a delight to hear - in Scotland' I said. 'And if you wish to hear Liverpudlian or Geordie, then you need only visit Liverpool or Newcastle. But the fact that such accents, if to too broad and vernacularised, are all but unintelligible to ears more accustomed to the cleanly and carefully rounded utterances of Standard English, attests to the desirability of having a version of English that is standardised and thus, in theory at least, intelligible to all.'
'It may be a little unfair' Nosher countered 'as the BBC did in its report, to single out the Brummie accent as being identified by non-Brummies as being the regional accent most indicative of a lack of intelligence - there are many other contenders. In truth the matter is, of course, entirely subjective, and also arbitrary - it depends on where you were born and thus which accent you grew up with.'
I looked at Nosher for a moment, wondering if he was deliberately missing the point.
'If you are content to live in the region of your birth' I explained 'and converse only with the other natives in your own vernacular, on topics as diverse as frottling firkins or muckling your mickers, then that is all very well. But if you wish to get on in the world and spread your wings, than such linguistic narrowness will hamper your progress, since only a very small local audience will be able to understand what you are attempting to communicate to them. It's as obvious as pigs not flying (except in Pink Floyd concerts).'
Nosher gave me his 'you're so stupid' look, with his usual affectionate smile.
'Why can't you ever say anything concisely and to the point?' he asked. Then he went on: 'What you obviously mean is that this country should have an Academy of the Bleeding Obvious that would swing into action and enlighten every schoolchild who aspires to live his or her life using only the vernacular of their native tongue. "You have a choice" they should be told "and now you know the facts, you cannot avoid taking responsibility if you choose to talk in such a way that most of the rest of the country finds unintelligible". Simple - problem solved. If they whinge and whine about not doing well in life because no one understands them, the obvious can politely be pointed out to them again until they get the point.'
'If that's concise I'll eat my thermos flask' I said. 'But to say all this is not an attack on regional accents. Far from it. They are extremely attractive in their area of origin. But allowing anyone to grow up with the belief that they need not make any concessions to the linguistic requirements of living in the wider world is not only stupid, it's criminally negligent. And that is exactly what is happening all around our country with that entirely fictitious regional accent called 'Estuary English'."
For the benefit of any Americans reading this, Estuary English is spoken by the characters on Eastenders, a BBC TV soap that is remarkable only for making all its characters sound like compulsively stupid victims (come to think of it, that's the case with all English soaps).
Estuary English is not a true regional accent but a bastardised version of Cockney combined with elements of numerous accents from the London area, including Essex. It was invented especially for the show. Estuary English is an abomination, and its sound is unpleasing to the ears (unlike so many genuine regional accents).
And yet millions of schoolchildren from as far apart as Cornwall and Kent, now speak in this ugly, crudely constructed tongue, thus instantly labelling themselves as losers in the great game of life, not simply because they watch Eastenders (a worrying sign in any human being, however cultured or intelligent) but because they naively believe this makes them special.
'I suppose you expect me to be reading your thoughts' said Nosher after a long pause.
'No' I said 'but where do you think the first Academy of the Bleeding Obvious should be established?'
'No. 10 Downing Street' Nosher replied with conviction.
More from http://www.overthegardenfence.blogspot.com/ soon.
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