Nosher arrived at the allotment this morning chuckling to himself, but when I asked him why he shook his head and wandered off, still chortling merrily away.
As we toiled on our little plots all morning I could hear his little chuckles from time to time, and could only wonder what had brought about this transformation.
Normally he prefers to adopt a curmudgeonly attitude towards life, although not entirely serious in its demeanour.
It is, of course, a misconception that the English like to be miserable - we are not entirely serious even about our own misery.
And when an Englishman is lighthearted for no apparent reason, then you know he is really covering up some deep disgust or disaffection.
My reflections on this matter brought me to the conclusion that someone or something had really offended Nosher on this April-shower day on our little allotment in South Gloucestershire in the good old Dis-United Kingdom.
And thus is proved to be.
In the afternoon, our toiling over and the warm sun bidding us to relax in our old deckchairs, we settled down outside Nosher's shed and enjoyed a glass of his excellent parsnip wine.
'So what's all the merriment about?' I asked.
Nosher beamed with joy.
'Thought you'd never ask' he replied. 'Apparently at a prison in Yorkshire the guards have discovered that a local drug dealer has been making deliveries to the inmates for weeks by breaking into the jail at night - but none of the prisoners took the opportunity to escape. They preferred life inside!'
Nosher's chuckling finished his sentence, and he shook his head in apparent disbelief.
'Wouldn't you normally be appalled by this sort of thing?' I inquired.
'This time it's different!' declared Nosher. 'First, it just shows how lax security is in our prison system, and second, it shows just how comfortable the inmates are that none of them tried to escape. They get TV in their cells, free bed and board, and they can have drugs delivered in on demand. Prison is clearly no deterrent to crime when life inside is so soft - and I don't know how anyone can deny it anymore.'
This time Nosher ended his utterance with a hint of outrage in his voice. So this was what his merriment was all about.
We gazed over our little agrarian world as the sun gently caressed the new plants into growth. The birds were singing, the sky was blue, and everything was at peace. Who in their right mind would want to be anywhere else?
'Well, actually' I said 'the cat was out of the bag a couple of weeks ago.'
Nosher looked at me with mock surprise.
'Yes', I continued 'on an official prison visit our suave Minister for Injustice, Mr Jack 'Slimey' Straw, was informed by an inmate that the place was just like a hotel, and if it was meant to deter crime life in jail needed to be made a lot harder. Since it is impossible to conceive that such a statement is in the interests of the Government or the Prison Service, the only reasonable inference is that this story is true. Ergo, in the words of a prisoner, prison is soft on crime and the causes of crime.'
There was a long silence as Nosher apparently digested this information. Clearly he was behind the times, and his mirth had been all for nothing.
'So do you think any of this will have an effect on penal policy?' he asked, more serious now.
'Not a jot' I told him 'the Dis-United Kingdom is now incapable of being hard on crime because of the ridiculous Human Rights legislation that the pseudo-liberal elite have forced upon the people of this country. Criminals now have more rights than their victims and the decent honest people in society. And there's a well-funded bureaucracy devoted to taking offence on the behalf of inmates, campaigning for conditions in jails to be made softer still.'
Nosher looked truly miserable now.
'That means that life on the outside will only get worse' he said, consoling himself with a sip of parsnip wine.
It seemed that Nosher was back to his old self, once again enjoying his disaffection.
More from www.overthegardenfence.blogspot.com soon.
Find out more at www.paulsturdee.co.uk
and www.PGSBooks.co.uk
Paul Sturdee's book Is God a Terrorist? is available from Amazon and all good booksellers.
If you have difficulty obtaining a copy contact the PGS Books website.
Please support your local bookshop - if you don't, it may not be there next time you visit!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment