After yet another day of worsening civil war in Iraq, the leader of the free world, President George W. Bush (otherwise known as 'slash and burn' in all those countries the US has invaded under his watch) appeared on television in an attempt to calm the fears of us little allotment holders.
'This is a defining moment in the history of free Iraq' George W. proudly announced at a press conference. 'Iraq has had many defining moments in the past, and this is one of them.'
Well, that calmed some nerves, I can tell you. Down on our little allotment Nosher and I solemnly sipped parsnip wine in Nosher's allotment shed and nodded in agreement.
'If Iraq has many more defining moments like this' said Nosher 'The Americans may as well give up trying to make a profit out of Iraq's oil and set up a chain of funeral homes - they'll make more money that way.'
'Did you know that American gunships rocketed Basra yesterday?' I asked.
'Was that because the British have done such a good job of training the Iraqis to keep the peace there?' inquired Nosher.
'I guess it must be' I replied 'the Iraqi army has gone in now and the place is worse than ever. And many other places in Iraq have erupted into more violence then ever before. Sounds like "free" Iraq is just the kind of place the average American family would like to bring up their children.'
'Well, Bush and Blair can't say they weren't warned' commented Nosher. 'Under Saddam Hussein every household had to possess a loaded AK47 in readiness to repel any invaders. So what do the Americans and British do? Depose Saddam and bomb Iraq back to the Stone Age. Hardly surprising that almost every Iraqi hates the Americans and British and wants them out.'
We watched the sun dip behind the willow trees, and got ready to go home for supper.
'I wonder if the next leader of the free world will be any better than Bush?' I wondered out loud as we locked our respective shed doors in the hastening gloom.
'I wouldn't bet on it' said Nosher 'American presidents don't get elected because they're competent or compassionate - they appeal to the greed, fear and arrogant self-deceit of the American electorate. So whoever wins the next election will still be rampaging around the world pretending to be its saviour whilst trying to make a fast buck out of any impoverished country they can overwhelm with lop-sided trade deals euphemistically called "aid".'
We walked slowly down the lane towards home, listening to the birds twittering in the trees in the dusk.
'Did you know that America donates almost the smallest proportion of its GDP in foreign aid of any Western country?' I said 'less than one per cent, whilst a little county like Denmarks gives three times as much. And yet the average American believes their country is the most generous in the world. That's how deceived they are'.
'Still, mustn't be too unkind to the Yanks' cautioned Nosher 'After all, they're ruthlessly indoctrinated from birth to believe they are the best and wisest and kindest and most blessed nation on earth, and also the last bastion of freedom and liberty. How they reconcile all this is beyond me, but at least us English have the great advantage that we don't believe a word our leaders tell us on principle. It's in our genes.'
At the little crossroads we parted company, and as I walked towards home through the lengthening shadows of evening I pondered on the self-deceit and moral narcissism that keeps America from being aware of just how hypocritical it is. At least we English know our leaders are hypocrites, and what that makes us.
Please note, if you're a Yank Nosher and I have nothing against you personally - we like Americans, at least the ones we've met - but we don't like what American is doing to itself and to the world. Some self-insight and modesty is needed, but that's never been America's strong point, has it?
Still, as long as there are allotment holders in the world there's some hope that civilisation may survive. So our advice to America and all Americans is: take up allotment gardening. It could change your lives for the better and if it kept you from interfering in other people's countries the world would be a better place too.
More from http://www.overthegardenfence.blogspot.com/ soon.
Find out more at http://www.paulsturdee.co.uk/
and http://www.pgsbooks.co.uk/
Paul Sturdee's book Is God a Terrorist? is available on Amazon and from all good booksellers.
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