Sharia Law Will Come To UK - Archbishop

Here in the good old Dis-United Kingdom, the Church of England's top cleric, Archbishop Dr Rowan Williams, has announced that he believes some form of Islamic Sharia Law is now inevitable in Britain, thus demonstrating that bushy eyebrows are no guarantor of wisdom or prescience.

Down on our little allotment, my best mate Nosher assured me that nothing under the sun was new.

'We've been through all this before' he said 'do you remember the time Bushy decided to give all the plants the right to make their own laws?'

Now, Bushy (so-called on account of his bushy eyebrows) used to have the plot the other side of mine from Nosher's. Bushy was a fervent, excitable man, whose main characteristic (in addition to his bushy eyebrows) was a tendency for his bright eyes to dart back and forth as he spoke in feverish terms of his Great Plan.

Bushy started off as a good allotment holder - he spoke to his plants, and listened to what they said to him. But he always seemed a little other-worldly, as if his main attention was focused elsewhere. As indeed it was. His first act upon taking over his little plot was to grant all his vegetables the right to make their own laws, provided they made an effort to integrate with one another. And so they did, vegetables being inherently peaceful plants.

'This will end in tears' said Nosher, as Bushy danced from one foot to the other in uncontrollable excitement, his hands clasped as if in prayer. 'You're giving yourself a lot of extra work keeping things manageable' Nosher continued 'and soon the weeds will be demanding equal rights to make their own laws. Then anarchy will break out, you mark my words!'

And thus is came to pass, yeah verily. The thistles and nettles did indeed move into Bushy's little plot, with vociferous demands that they should make their own laws. And these laws included the right to smother all vegetables that didn't co-operate with them and submit to Thistle Law or Nettle Law. Soon Bushy's plot was the scene of a vicious war between the nettles and the thistles. Caught in the middle were the peaceful vegetables who were either beaten into submission or smothered to death.

The final collapse came suddenly. Late one night, after an evening on Nosher's excellent parsnip wine, we heard a strange moaning sound coming from Bushy's little plot. In the moonlight we could just make out the silhouette of Bushy, down on his knees among the encircling thistles and nettles, hugging his one last remaining, vegetable, a scraggy Brussels sprout plant. His moans grew more plaintiff as the thistles and nettles closed in around him.

After he had been taken off to the asylum, Nosher and I sat for a while on our old deckchairs by our little allotment sheds in the moonlight, sipping parsnip wine.

'It just goes to show' Nosher remarked 'that you should treat all vegetables as being equal under the sun - and not allow any special pleading of any sort, otherwise the bullies are bound to move in and make everyone's life a misery. Vegetable law on its own is not good enough - there has to be someone or something in charge to keep the bullies under control'.

On hearing this the thistles and nettles now rampaging on Bushy's little plot nearby rustled their leaves alarmingly and advanced towards us. We retreated into Nosher's little shed to await daylight and rescue.

The next day the Allotment Committee wisely bulldozed Bushy's little plot and brought the situation under control.

More from overthegardenfence soon.