Politicians Lose Privileges Scandal

Here at overthegardenfence few issues offer more pleasure than witnessing politicians squabbling over the protection of their privileges, which extend from fleecing the taxpayer to immunity from many of the laws they impose upon the rest of us.
The other afternoon, down at the allotment, Nosher and me were enjoying a glass of his excellent parsnip wine whilst sitting in our deckchairs (salvaged from the Titanic) outside our little allotment sheds. It had been an uncharacteristically warm, sunny February day, and as the sun drifted towards the horizon our conversation drifted onto politics.
'Well' murmured Nosher, between slurps of parsnip wine 'this past fortnight has seen one MP expelled from the House for giving his son taxpayers' money for doing nothing, and another complaining that the security services have been bugging him illegally. Where will it all end?'
'Perhaps one day all politicians will come to understand that "serving the people" is not a euphemism for "let's have a good time at the country's expense" I replied, the parsnip wine giving me a dash of bravado usually reserved for Special Forces parsnips.
As is so often the case, human history appears to mimic events that happen down on our little allotment. Not long ago, one of our fellow allotment holders, Grubby, had been hauled before the Allotment Committee after word got around that he had conspired to knobble the entry for the annual Flower and Produce Show submitted by members of nearby Easter Compton Allotment Association. He had apparently been overheard talking to one of his marrows on the subject. At the same time, another allotment holder, Dodger, had been discovered distributing the proceeds of his allotment to his family without requiring any work from them. When that scourge of allotment holders, the Daily Snail, made a big fuss about it, a special meeting of the Allotment Committee was called.
Our Allotment Committee meets on a piece of land adjacent to our plots called the Commons, and, wishing to do things properly, we even have our own Speaker, nicknamed Micheal Martin, famous only for sending his wife by taxi to Harrods Food Hall every afternoon for his favourite snack, Savoury Pot Noodle, a round trip of some 200 miles, and all at the taxpayers' expense.
Proceedings were opened by a savage attack upon the way that Gordon The Moron was running things, from Dave 'The People's Toff', who is frontrunner to replace Gordon at the next election.
'If the dignity and respect this House deserves is to be maintained, these abuses of privilege must be stamped out!' he fulminated, no one believing a word that he said.
'I didn't do anything wrong' protested Dodger 'It's an established privilege that an allotment holder can give the benefits of his position to members of his own family without any accountability whatsoever...' The end of his contribution was drowned out by loud cheering from everyone present. Then Grubby got up to speak.
'I cannot protest forcefully enough' he began 'what is the world coming to when an allotment holder cannot talk to his own vegetables without someone listening in?! In any case, my conversation was misinterpreted - I merely told my favourite marrow that we'd wipe out the competition from Easter Compton at this year's show. I never specifically mentioned the word "knobble"!'
Since Grubby inhabits a little plot down at the soggy end of the allotment, which gets less sunlight than the rest of us, any aspirations to winning any produce show without resort to nefarious tactics seemed highly improbable, but as the public reputation of our little allotment was at stake, and the only evidence against Grubby was an anonymous tip-off, the Committee voted unanimously to clear him. Dodger's predicament was an altogether different matter. Dave 'The People's Toff' got to his feet again.
'If we don't give a clear indication that honourable allotment holders are behaving honourably, we will lose the respect of the public!' he thundered. Again, not a single person believed him. We got no respect from the public as it was, any less would make no difference at all. Then Nosher got up to speak. The entire House fell silent. Nosher didn't address the House very often, but when he did it was usually because he'd been on his parsnip wine, so at least he gave entertaining performances.
'My honourable friends' he began, obviously knowing that a little flattery works wonders on such occasions 'We should not be cowed by anything Dave says - the fact is, it is an established tradition in this House for members to shower their families with benefits from their allotments, with no accountability to the vegetables whatever. If we, the honourable allotment holders, were not here to keep order, water the vegetables and tend to their every need, well, anarchy would reign unapposed! Weeds would take over our allotments, and before long some rapacious tyrant would move in and take control, fleecing all the vegetables purely for his own benefit. No, these vegetables need us to rule over them, and in return all we ask is that we fleece them only slightly less than the rapacious tyrant...I just mentioned. Every right-thinking vegetable should think this a good deal, so let's not have any more pandering to scaremongering in the gutter press, and continue to run our allotment with no sense of accountability whatever!' Blimey, Nosher's been on the parsnip wine again - he never talks like that normally.
As Nosher sat down, the assembly dissolved into uproar, all of us egging him on the write a missive to the Daily Snail, with only a few murmers of dissent from Dave 'The People's Toff' and his supporters in the blue corner.
Over in the red corner Gordon The Moron beamed with delight. For once he had chosen the winning side.
'Mr Speaker' he said, summoning every ounce of gravitas he could muster 'I suggest that we find both honourable members exonerated'. A chorus of cheers erupted from the House.
Mr Martin put down his Pot Noodle and wiped his lips clean. 'If that is the wish of the House, I will record the matter as now being closed' he said, before greedily resuming his Pot Noodle.
Now, many months later, as Nosher and I sipped our parsnip wine and watched the sun set slowly behind the willow trees, we compared these events with the current scandals concerning MPs expenses and privileges.
'Looks like this is an instance where real life does not exactly mirror life on the allotment' commented Nosher 'because we got away with it'.
'Yep, we only have to deal with vegetables and the Daily Snail' I replied, 'whereas Members of Parliament have to deal with real constituents and the Daily Mail.'
Still, as they say in allotment circles, it takes more than a dead badger to crush one's parsnips.
More from overthegardenfence soon.